Young Wild and Free

We've Moved! (Finally.)

This lil' blog has moved on over to Blogger! I'll no longer be updating my Typepad account. So for all things awesome, head over to Cheeky Cheeky!

Holla!

Top 5 Favorite Rachel Zoe Quotables

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Anyone who knows me at all already knows my level of worship for Rachel Zoe is literally off the charts. I want to be her gay best friend. Seriously. Like you know how some girls get really depressed because they're single and no one wants to marry them? I get depressed because Rachel Zoe doesn't know that I even exist, let alone the fact that I'd be the perfect person to be her lifelong BFF. It hurts. If you're a straight man who has mistakenly made his way onto my blog and are unclear as to who Rachel Zoe is, let me try to explain to you the fierce fashion superstar that is my idol... Rachel Zoe is a celebrity stylist, who has styled Nicole Richie, Anne Hathaway, Molly Sims, Demi Moore, etc, and basically runs celebrity fashion. Her fabulosity garnered her a TV show on Bravo, The Rachel Zoe Project, which has been my number one source of fashion porn for the past four years. She's basically an all around diva and shares my personal belief that every day in life is an opportunity for a fashion moment. (Yeah, I said that like I don't wear sweatpants at home. I do. But I'm not proud. Don't tell RZ, plz.) Apart from the gorgeous fashion on the show, my favorite thing about The Rachel Zoe Project is all of the insanity that comes out of Rachel's mouth. She kills me. I don't even know where she comes up with most of the shit she says. It's so off the wall and nonsensical, I obviously love it. Over the years, people have come to identify her with using the word "bananas" to describe everything. I'm the first one to admit that I use that word like crazy now, too. Word credit: RZ. But my dream-BFF has some other amazing quotables that I feel like aren't getting enough love. We need to embrace the Rachel-speak. Time to incorporate some of these into your every day lexicon. If people don't understand you, just laugh at them and say "Oh. My. God. You're being totally bananas." And then bring up NY Fashion Week. It's what Rachel would do.

5. "I die."- If you don't already use this, or know someone who does, you're obviously not hanging out with enough Fag Hags. Whenever I love something to the nth degree, the only thing that I can respond with is "I die." Sometimes it causes confusion, to be sure. If someone hasn't heard the phrase yet, they literally don't know what to do with themselves. Dying is bad, right? So I die is like, the worst thing ever? WRONG! Get in the game, people! Dying is, like, the best thing ever in fashion. Death by fashion, OBVI! It's the perfect over the top exclamation to describe anything and everything.

4. "Not gonna lie...."- This is a new RZ saying as of this season. She simply uses it before any statement of fact. In this past episode, "Do I Look Fat or Just Pregnant" she said one of the most endearing things ever, re: not wearing maternity dresses, and instead opting for vintage couture: "Not gonna lie, I'm really testing the seams of these dresses." So next time you're not going to lie, just start your sentence by letting everyone know, "HEY, I'M NOT LYING!!!" I think it really just puts everyone at ease to know that for once you're telling the truth.

3. "I literally can't deal with this right now."- (I couldn't find Rachel saying it, but even better, I found Amy Phillips doing a parody of it.) I love my RZ unconditionally. But homegirl can complain like nobody's business. She leads a fairly stressful life, to be fair. I know fashionistas can get a bad rap for being vapid, narcissistic and materialistic. Maybe that's true. But RZ isn't your average fashionista. She runs around from photo shoot to photo shoot, styling totally gorg looks. Then she styles people for red carpet events. THEN she works on launching her own line. THEN she hangs out with her super rad husband and gay pretend husbands. It's not exactly the life of leisure. If you watch her show... she kind of makes that point super clear. Literally every other scene is her saying that she's "so stressed out right now. Like, I literally can't function." Oh, did I mention she was like 87 months pregnant during the filming of this season? Girl is a trooper. A complainer, too. But that's okay. We love her for who she is... A gay man in stilettos. 

2. "Beyond Major"- I like getting new words and lingo from people. Rachel Zoe is my ultimate catch phrase source. She has such bizarrely unique ways of describing things- as a speaker of the English language, I'm in awe. The only problem being that, much like "I die," "Beyond Major" doesn't really make sense to the untrained ear. But there's logic to it, people. RZ describes something when it's beyond beyond. More major than major. So what is that? BEYOND MAJOR! I find this phrase lends itself best to fashion and all things girlie. Not really useable to describe real life things. "That test was beyond major." Nope. "So I just got a latte from Starbucks, it's totally beyond major." Failblog. It might be a specific kind of catch phrase, but I'm still obsessed with it. 

1. "It's everything."- RZ's use of the word everything to describe... everything, is where her language really kills me. (In a good way.) When something is beyond beyond major, it's "everything." Meaning, it's like "OMG I live and die for this dress. It's everything." I realize that I've fully transitioned into unintelligible language here, but I'm hoping my gays are still with me. I love that RZ can take a word- a totally normal, everyday word- and spin it so it not only confuses all straight men in a 10 mile radius, but describes fashion in the most idiotically awesome way. Isn't that the perfect description of what you feel when you find the tan over the shoulder bag you've been searching for since last fall? It's everything. 

Bonus- Her overuse of the word literally. I die. 

Thank you Rachel Zoe, for making my language even more colorful than it was before I met you (through the TV.) I'll be sitting by my phone, waiting for your call inviting me to hang out.

Any day now...

Apple Orchard Mixtape {10/19/11}

In honor of my fabulous fall adventures last weekend, I made a little apple orchard inspired mixtape. I'm a dork, I know. Something about fall and music though, it's a beautiful combination. Crisp air, apple pie, chunky knit sweaters and a little Mumford & Sons. Nothing wrong with that. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to curl up with some warm apple cider, listen to my handcrafted fall playlist and do some accounting homework. 

{Google Reader users click through for fall goodness.}

Typography Games Are For Losers (Me)

I like video games. A lot. A whole lot. But they're addicting. That's a known fact. You can sit down to play for a few minutes after dinner and suddenly it's 2am. I don't quite like that feeling. It's like being sucked into a black hole of loser-dom. I used to be really into Halo in high school (we even named our dog after the game) but have since handed in my controller, in favor of having a life off of the couch. But try as I might, video games keep creeping into my life again and again. This time, I didn't even try to stop it.

Allow me to introduce you to Kerntype, a video game for font nerds. Kerning is the space between letters in a font. Ideal kerning is pretty, clean and readable. The game is genius, yet so simple. You move the letters around to create the most visually pleasing kerning, and it is then compared and scored against a typographer's solution. #nerdfun.

I'm not even going to act like I wasn't SUPER excited about my scores. I played while no one else was home (just like a druggie uses) and was so pissed off when there was no one to show my high scores to... Then I remembered- BLOG TIME!

I didn't score perfect on all of them, but I got a couple 100s that I was super stoked on. Overall, I want to get my score way higher eventually, because I'm a dork like that. But not for nothin'... I think I rocked it.

Now if only I could stop playing....

Bands I Love: Cage The Elephant

Rock music aficianados, I'm probably not telling you anything new or unexpected when I tell you I heart me some Cage The Elephant. But for those of you who aren't cool at all, here's this band you've never heard of!!! JK, we're all losers so it's totes okay.

Cage The Elephant is a four-piece rock outfit from Bowling Green, Kentucky. They are my favorite example of an ahhhhmazing band coming out of Nowhereseville, USA and shocking everyone. They're a blend of Americana, psychedelic rock, garage rock and grunge. AKA, my dream band. The lead singer, Matthew Shultz, is like Kurt Cobain reincarnated, but maybe with even more screaming. AKA, my dream man. It's like this band was made for me. Yep, I'm self-centered enough to half-believe that. So far Cage has released two albums- a self titled, released in 2008 and Thank You, Happy Birthday released in January of this year. Both are essential listening for anyone wondering whatever happened to quality rock music in this day and age. (So... No one. Fail.) The raw energy in their music is so powerful. It's like getting kicked in the proverbial nuts and downing a Redbull at the same time. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

I saw Cage open for Manchester Orchestra earlier this year at Terminal 5. It was so packed, and I was getting my beer on, so I wasn't in the mood to cram all the way in the crowd. Plus, I knew I would have to pee before Manchester went on. So what did I do? I stood in the back amongst people who deem themselves "too cool to sing along" and "too cool to dance" and probably "too cool for school." And you know what I did? I SANG AND DANCED AND WENT TO SCHOOL! Well... the school of rock. HEYO!! They might have looked at me like a crazy person, but I barely even noticed. I was in my fan girl zone. Of course by the time Manchester went on, I was elbow deep in teen boy sweat near the front of the stage. But I'm happy I got the full stage Cage view. Watching Matt Schultz flail around and stage dive was truly epic. I want to spend a day living in his pocket, just to soak up all the energy.

Here are the music videos for my two favorite songs off their new record- "Aberdeen" and "Around My Head." 10 bonus life points if you knew that Aberdeen is where Kurt Cobain grew up.

I think the treatment for "Around My Head" is genius. So creepy and weird. Two adjectives people most commonly used to describe me.

Get into Cage. I'm not going to say they'll have a #1 radio hit this year, but they could murder Kings of Leon and Coldplay with their guitar melodies.

Weekend Snapshots: {10/16}

This weekend was choc full of outdoors fun. For someone who loves nothing more than curling up on the couch and watching everything on my Netflix queue, I'm kind of proud of myself for spending so much quality time outside. My favorite part about pretending to be outdoorsy is the way I get to dress. Knee high boots and a leather jacket? Don't mind if I do. Saturday, we took my parent's old foster kids and their brother to the Erie Apple Orchard up in Michigan. The orchard was a BLAST. They had animals, pony rides, a pumpkin bouncy house, and some of the most delicious fall food ever. Most of the activities were intended for kids, but that didn't stop me from jumping in the bouncy house. The donuts, apple cider and caramel apple were the perfect midday treat to give the kids a total sugar rush. I left there feeling like a complete fatty, but it was worth it.

After that we hung around the house, then took the kids to Red Robin, their absolute favorite place to eat. Guess what we were greeted with at the door? Hoards of kids going to Homecoming! Lots of glitter and sequins and awkwardness. I loved it. Dinner was yummy and chaotic, as always. Little ones make for interesting dining out experiences. Convincing a four-year-old that he doesn't need an entire bottle of mustard on his corn dog is a tough task. What's an even tougher task is convincing a four-year-old to eat said corn dog after pouring that entire bottle of mustard on it, when he's never before even tried mustard and claims it's "too spicy!" I'm proud to say that I got him to take 4 more "big bites." Yeah, it's like I'm a Mom with pretend children. Indulge me.

Sunday Funday was another Michigan adventure! My parents and I went up to Ann Arbor to have Dim Sum with Diane, my brother Shane's wife. I didn't have to pretend like I knew how to use chopsticks, for once. They gave us forks! God, I love that. After a yummy lunch, we picked up Shane and headed out to go apple picking... Except it turns out the place we went didn't have apple picking. Ooops! It didn't really bother us though. The shop itself was so adorable- full of little trinkets and vintage signs. I could see myself curling up and living in the shop forever. So much cuteness. We enjoyed even more donuts, apple cider and caramel apples. None of us were complaining :)

Today I'm actually off of work and school- it's fall break! They don't give you days off just because it's October when you're off in the real world, acting like an adult. School actually does have its perks. Who would have thought?

 

The Time I Updated My iPhone and Almost Killed Myself

Technology issues make me a crazy person. Because I know this about myself, I try to keep my technology ship smooth sailing. This involves rarely installing updates on anything, and never shutting down my computer. I figure, the less you fuck with stuff, the less likely it is to fuck up. Logical, right? My old IT guy at work basically thought I was the devil. I still maintain that I'm not, but I guess it's up for debate. I'd be willing to hear him out. 

This whole week, everyone's been going on and on and on about the new iPhone system update for the iPhone 4. This, obviously, automatically made me very nervous. Should I stay true to my resistant ways or go with the masses and the geniuses at Apple and update my shit? I decided to take babysteps. I never said I was that adventurous, okay? I'll eat a habanero pepper if you dare me to, but I'm not going to wear Uggs in public. You know? You totally get what I mean. So I went with updating my iTunes first- something I haven't done since I got this computer almost a year ago. Not to be insulting to Steve Jobs (RIP) but I totes couldn't even tell the difference post-update. But the whole experience was relatively easy. I clicked update, and guess what it did? UPDATED!!! Crazy, right? I was feeling pretty pumped. Maybe system updates aren't that bad. I was feeling great. 

That feeling disappeared rather quickly. 

Post-iTunes update, I clicked to update my iPhone system. But since I'm a 6-year-old, I fell asleep while it was updating because apparently my bedtime is 10:30pm. So mid-sleep, I shut my computer- not even thinking about the fact that my iPhone was mid-update. Kill me. When I woke up an hour later, my phone was all "Guuuuurl, you fucked me up!" and I was all "Whaaaaat? Bitch, I treat you like a lady all day every day. And I make one mistake and you flip your shit?! Have some decorum!" I unplugged my iPhoneand restarted iTunes. When I replugged back in and restarted, I held out hope everything might still work out. But then this message came up that said my iPhone would have to be reset, then updated. It was my only option, so I went with it. (Funnily enough, that same statement applies to pretty much every guy I've ever dated, too.) When it finished resetting, my little ol' computer informed me that the update failed. Having the word "Failed" pop up on your computer is soul-crushing. My heart started racing as I picked up myiPhone, just to discover that my biggest fear (EVER, just behind Keeping Up With The Kardashians being cancelled) had been realized- everything... everything on my iPhone was gone. I was so upset, I didn't even cry. I just started panicking and hyperventilating. All of my pictures, all of my apps, all of my contacts were just gone. I didn't know what to do.

Once something technologically goes wrong, all rational thought is just gone. I started thinking about how I would get my contacts back. Facebook post? Ew. Facebook group?... What if no one posts their number on the wall? Well okay, it looks like my contacts are gone forever. What about my pictures? They're not in my iPhoto. No gettin' them suckers back. My mind was just racing with horrible thoughts. Losing everything on my phone seriously felt like the end of my life. Then I restarted iTunes, with a tinge of hope that it would somehow help. I don't want to brag, but I think I'm a genius, because restarting iTunes totally worked! This little screen popped up that said resetting had failed, and it wanted to try again. And try again, it did. After that, it installed the update. I was still terrified to look at my phone once it was all said and done, but I decided to rip the proverbial band-aid off. I let out a wail of relief when I turned my phone on to discover my pictures, contacts and apps all in their rightful places. I don't think I've ever experienced that level of happiness before. Just absolute joy and shock that Apple is smart enough to fix itself. It recognized that it hadn't finished the task successfully and went in and restarted the process. Or, as I like to think of it, it heard me freaking out and decided to make me happy again.

As much as I'm insanely happy with the fact that my iPhone is up and running with the new system update, I'm utterly embarrassed at my reaction to the whole situation. Who thinks the world is coming to an end when their phone craps out? Who wants to fling themselves from the nearest skyscraper because they lost all the contacts on their phone? Who seriously considers staging events to recapture photos lost from their phone? I'm a bucket of crazy, obviously. I could try to fight it, or I could embrace this quirk in my person. Technology failing makes me cuckoo. I am who I am. It's 2011, and technology is in every part of our lives. My iPhone is like my BFF, and when my BFF is hurt, I'm hurt. I'm just a good person like that.

Thank you, Apple, for making spectacular products and BFFs that don't even fail when they "fail."

Aminals, Caps Lockz, and The Internet

I go through life legitimately thinking I'm pretty funny. Like, if I had a 10-round funny-off with Tina Fey, I'd make it through at least half a round. That's the level of funny I think I am. But then the internet has to go and make me realize I'm barely even funny at all. And all I can do is sit back in amazement and wonder why I didn't think of it first. I give you: ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS. Yep. Someone thought of that before me. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!?!!? Caps are my favorite ever, with funny pictures of animals coming in at a close second. COME ON. My disappointment is only surpassed by my amusement. This website brings the giggles. These are some of my faves:

GET OUT OF THE WAY OF THE DANG TV, BILL. I’M TRYING TO WATCH MY NASCARS.

AND GET ME ANOTHER COORS. MAMA’S THIRSTY.

 

ARE YOU SERIOUS? I CAN’T EVEN DO THIS.

STOP ‘SMIZING’ AND PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR FUCKING HANDS! TRY MODELING THE PRODUCT INSTEAD OF MAKING THAT RIDICULOUS POUT, YOU COMPLETE AMATEUR.

PATRICK? PATRICK! TALK TO HER. MAKE HER DO HER JOB OR I WALK.

 

I DON’T APPRECIATE THE TONE OF YOUR VOICE.

SOMEONE SHIT IN THE KITCHEN. THIS IS THE ONLY FACT WE HAVE AT THE MOMENT. LET’S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES AND START POINTING FINGERS. 

DO EITHER OF US HAVE ANY ENEMIES? PEOPLE WE MAY HAVE ANGERED? I’M JUST SAYING, I KNOW YOU DO A LOT OF BLOGGING. 

 

IT’S COOL. IT WAS ONLY MY 30TH BIRTHDAY. WHY WOULD ANYONE SHOW UP?

I’M JUST GOING TO PUT ON ADELE AND PRETEND TO CHASE ALL THE ANTS ON THIS DUVET MY GRANDMA SENT ME.

MAYBE LATER I’LL DRINK THE CABERNET I BOUGHT MYSELF AND TRY TO FIX THE ALARM ON MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK THAT’S BEEN RINGING NONSTOP FOR THREE YEARS.

 

BUT WHAT IF THE NEW ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT EPISODES AREN’T FUNNY?

 

I want to live in this website. I can't stop reading them. THEY'RE SO FUNNY!!!! Can I make an imitation site where I just try to be as funny as whoever is making these, but fail miserably? Okay, cool. 

 

 

Thirty by Thirty

I feel like the theme of my new life is wildly self-indulgent self-discovery, or something like that. It involves a lot of time spent analyzing my thoughts, actions, wants, desires, dreams (both day and night dreams), and attempting to draw conclusions from said egregious self-analyzation. So far it has been pretty fruitless, but I refuse to get discouraged. I have decided quite a few things about myself in the past month and a half that I definitely wouldn't have ever discovered had I not made some huge changes. For example, I can actually pull off the color pink (well, one shade of pink.) And, I like some songs by the Dixie Chicks, and THAT'S OKAY, DAMN IT. It doesn't make me a pansy. I learned I can't make it through a trip on the expressway without screaming at least once. And as an extension of that lesson- I probably shouldn't drive on the expressway. Oh, and I feel most comfortable when there's tequila in the house, within arm's reach. Well, that I've probably known since I was a baby, but that's neither here nor there. On the real, since making some dramatic life changes, I've learned a lot about myself as a person, daughter, friend, and lover.... OH WAIT, JK! TOTES NOT AS A LOVER BECAUSE OHIO IS WHERE UGLY DUDES GO TO DIE. JK, not really. But seriously. Have these guys even heard of dark wash denim? A couple fabulous gays and we could whip them all into shape, for sure. But that's another post for another day. (Queer Eye for the Midwest Guy?)

This is about my newest tool in self-discovery: my 30 by 30 list. It's a list of thirty things I want to do/see/accomplish before I turn 30, in about 7 years. Ooft. I'm just starting to put it together, and I'm actually trying to be super strict about what's on it. I don't want to put things on the list I feel like are totally unattainable, but I want to push myself and have my goals written down in a tangible way. At least that makes them real in some way, right? Some of them are SUPER corny, and others are wildly aspirational. It's good to mix it up. I wouldn't want a list of 30 things that are all super extreme things like bungee jumping, or the opposite either- a huge list of career goals. I see it more as a non-planner's plan for the future. A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

So I decided to share a few items off my list here, so I'm accountable to my lifelong BFF: the internet. I'm really hoping I can check everything off before I hit the big 3-0. Fingers crossed.

- Drive across the country

- Get something else pierced

- Go skydiving

- Read The Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace

- Write a book (SRSLY.)

- Own my very own puppy

- Get my side piece done (which might relocate to my upper thigh, but sentiment is the same)

- Punch someone in the face (Like, for real)

- Get punched in the face (Like, maybe as a joke)

- Start riding my bike places in an unironic fashion

- Climb 5.12s & 5.13s all day like a beast

- Go a day without telling a poop joke

- Learn how to sew

- Speak fluent Spanish

- Convince at least 5 people in the world that I'm black

- Pull off an all white outfit after labor day without spilling anything on myself

Okay, so I probably need to take this a little bit more seriously. I swear, like every third item on my list is a joke. I can't help it. I'm just naturally funny, guys. But a lot of these I am definitely keeping on my final list. Specifically punching someone in the face. I'm still perplexed by the fact that I made it to 23 without a vivid memory of punching someone in the face. I could have repressed it though. Regardless, it's going on the list. I'm resisting the urge to be a huge dork and get it laminated or something. The girl who told me about the 30 by 30 list in the first place told me she lost hers for like 3 years, found it, and was amazed at how much she had accomplished off the list without intentionally doing so. Problem is, if I lose it, I'll never find it again. I'm going to put it somewhere and come back to it every once in a while to see if I'm making any progress. 

Goals are good things to have. So are dreams. I have a lot of both. 

What I Wore {10/12/11}

Oh hello there. Last week, during the perfect summer to fall transition weather, I decided to get a little weird with my outfit. I usually try to look as close to normal as I can, mainly so I don't scare children. But I've always loved putting outfits together that are a little left of center. I also love to get stuff for free. Enter: this little sweatshirt. It's actually a hilarious story. The last few weeks I was in New York, I had one main goal- drink up all of my 4Loko so I didn't have to transport it back to the Midwest with me. Strangely enough, I ended up leaving with two 4Lokos that are now in my fridge in Ohio. But regardless, my mission was clear- get 'em gone. So one night, I was off my face on the Loko and decided to hit up The Dark Room with some friends. When we showed up, we were appalled to find a line out front. But my wedges were too high to walk anywhere else, and when you're trippin' on Loko, sometimes you just HAVE to dance it all out. So we waited. While we were waiting in line, we spotted clothes hanging on a chain link fence, either as if they were being sold, or given away. A normal person would have looked at them and scoffed, "Pshh, homeless people. Who's going to pay for dirty clothes?" Well, not me. I immediately said "OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO HAVE THIS SWEATSHIRT." I sincerely didn't care that it's made for a 6-year-old boy, or that it was dirty as hell. I grabbed it off the hanger and threw it in my purse. Everyone in line looked at me like I was cuckoo, and I have to be honest, I wouldn't disagree. It belonged to a homeless person! Allegedly. But it's now one of my favorite memories of both New York and the Loko. I still don't know what it's from, but I've decided in my crazy person head it's from a 6-year-old boy wonder firefighter who saved an entire family from a burning building, and left this sweatshirt behind as a token of his heroism.

This is actually the first time I've worn the sweatshirt since. I washed it, don't worry. I knew I had to pair it with something high waisted, because I'm way too much of a fatty to have my tummy all hangin' out. This outfit is actually the most I've had my stomach showing probably since I was 10. At first I was a little freaked out by it, but then I decided that it's a stomach, not a vagina. Who really cares?! I paired my homeless person sweatshirt with my high waisted black jorts from H&M, and go to black flats. Perfect summer to fall transition outfit. 

{outfit details: sweatshirt- stolen from a chain link fence on the LES, jorts- H&M, shoes- Shoe Woo}